amar bhai babu

title tai bhul type korlam prothome, bhai er bodole likhlam bahi may be its to show that its futile to contain our relationshp within a few words but i will do it since i had pledged long back in one of my older blogs amar bhai, jokhon esechhilo shei muhurto gulo amar beshi mone nei, shudhu mone achhe didar barite i got permission after many a begging to hold him in my lap once, r sofa te boshe ma jokhon amar kole dilo kathay mora amar bhai k, it must have been the happiest moment, my first memory with my brother. i guess when ma was pregs with him, i had asked ma j i want a bro, she said pray to Ma Durga and i did that. er porer, mane or chhotto belar kotha khub ekta mone nei. but i remember j aam baganer barite kibhabe amra neem gachhtay uthe neem pata pere pichhoner tubewell theke dhuye khetam. jedin saap dekhe o mayer kuchi dhore jhule porechilo, i remember that, tokhon cable chhilo na, friday raater movies were must watch, so i came in a bit late probably even after the shout. i love one photo of mine and bhai's in front of Senguptader bari, wish i had scanner to attach that one, i find both of us looking lovely. r babur chhotbaelar pics dekhle to mone hoy o kano boro holo, i could still cuddle him otherwise. sobai bole o naki dushtu chhilo bt i dnt remember. i remember j or chhotobaelay or result er din amader tension hoto k nite jabe cz we would worry that he would nt pass this time. r amader surprise kore o protibar 9 ranks kore egiye asto. class 4 e jkhn o 15th holo, i remember jumping in the road in happiness. my happiest moment, always. dhire dhire o onek chapa holo, we were and will always be great friends but kichhu durotto aste laglo jeta natural. i remember our fights over the remote control, kichhu holei cable line khule fele dao, abar jhamela kore oita tola, dori jholano. ekbar shoshthir din aemon holo j o raag kore bari chhere chole gaelo, came back after 1 or 2 hrs, i was unrepentant. i was mean. tarpor or pithe bat bhanga, or bocha naker jonnow naki ami dayi bt i dnt remember that fight any more. r ekta incident holo ok lake e dubiye faela pray, mane oita to heights, ki j boshal bipod hoto. once we both bit each other :) over time i realised j o amar theke onek matured. r ok grand chumu dewatao ekta ritual chhilo, ofcourse he would be so scared of that :) i wish o konobar school e prothom 3 joner modhye asto, or opurno ekta ichhe. today he is my greatest confidante. amra ek sathe koto kichhute relate kori, over our families, over our lives forward. ei sedin o amay 2to bhalo bhalo jama kine dilo, shei amar chhotto bhai ta. i love you babu

confusion

hmmm jeta amar nityo diner shongi rather proti muhurter na solve korte parle matha gorom dnt knw hw to cool it achha bhalo lagata ki onnay? control kora uchit? why and how? can some one please guide me with a logic that i can relate to? i know i ask for a guidance always i am overtly dependent bt i wonder why is it so? feel dependent about that as well if someone would tell me why? ami ki halka? bt i am trying not to do that, bt yes, i am opening up bit by bit i have to stop it, D rightly said that dnt say much abt urself unless asked bt i cant help feeling happy and then blaming myself for that O God, help me, guide me, make me strong at least God dependent howata to bhul noy if this does'nt work out the whole process would start again i dont want that, when its always a risk why not start with the fIrst one, more so when you are okayish comfortable with this one, who knows these comfort levels can ever be reached again with any body else? can some one else make me feel so good about myself? can i emotionally depend on this 1?o God, till then should i hide myself or should i be myself? i know i cant be myself so soon unless its fixed, bt when its fixed, if at all, at the same time praying hope this one works out and everything falls into place, then how should i be to him and to others who inquire?