Something with death

In the last few days I have come across death directly or indirectly, not once, not twice but thrice. Whether it really is significant or just a figment of my imagination, I rather will not dwell on that. Anyway, let me elaborate on the cases. My brother, Babu had to perform certain experiments for his project in his M.Tech course for which he needed some rats. He described them to me, small white bundles, the younger ones highly energetic, some so naughty (or should I say dangerous) that they would even bite the experimenter, most so scared when experimented upon that they would bless the experimenter's hands with their excreta. I noticed my brother develop some kind of a bond with them (or is it my imagination!), he would ensure that they are fed regularly and even kept in the sunshine for some time of the day. He even took the responsibility of opening the huge lab by himself and perform these duties on the off days and then close the lab properly. It is quite possible that these are duties performed by my brother's fellow students as well and this bond thing is an extension of my mind's idiosyncrasy. However, on completion of the experiment, he had to "SACRIFICE" them. The process was simple, give an overdose of anesthesia and the job is done. Babu's guide showed him the way, but he couldn't do it at first. The process needed to twist the neck of the rat both ways afterward so that even if one does not die of the anesthesia, this would ensure their painless death. Funny, but actually it would be painless even though pathetic and brutal. So he made some else do it. But of the 4 rats, the anesthesia wasn't adequate for one and my brother ultimately had to do it himself. He shared with me his doubts, I instructed him to give them a proper burial ( he hadn't been able to, in this case) and pray for their souls. Someone later told him that when we kill the pests at our house, do we entertain such doubts? I was thinking about this. Babu had no choice but to relieve them, but is it allowed? Or rather, do they deserve it? The question of deserving probably sways this to another ground but I couldn't help asking it as well. But this choice is a difficult one to make, more so because one knows that the choice is made, you have to "SACRIFICE" them, for their good, for the environments' good. But still one has to pacify oneself before doing it. Do we forcefully put ourselves in this dilemma? If so, why? Secondly, during my father's TMT test, I had to sign a paper which said I would be okay if anything happens to him during the duration of the test. I hesitated for a moment, forced my mind shut and signed it. Why did I sign it? Did I have any understanding of the significance of such a declaration? Or did I chose to avoid it? At that moment, I felt that Baba has to undertake the test so no point delaying it. But its very scary, so much that I can't directly write about the other consequence even in this blog, my mind shudders to even think of it. No, I can't imagine that scenario and don't want to before it is due. But that day, did I sign on my father's death warrant ( Oh I hate to even read it in my mind as I type it)? Or is it a choice I made, a correct choice? Who am I to decide on that? Just because I am the daughter doesn't give me this right. But still I decided for my father's life that day. Life puts you in such situations where you are so perplexed that you doubt yourself, whatever be your choice and its consequences (even if positive). Thirdly, today morning I got to know that my friendly (Oh but he wasn't friendly or generous but helpful) neighborhood chemist committed suicide two days back. I have been in this para for quite some time now and have seen him since childhood. In last few years I suddenly noticed his salt and pepper hair suddenly turn to a shade of pure silver, so did his mustache. He hardly spoke but if somebody needed any suggestion about any medicine he would oblige, however in very few words. But I noticed he had stopped / reduced it, on inquiring I got to know that one of his suggested medicines probably didn't have the desired effects and the consequences haven't been very nice. Thankfully, he later again turned to the good medicine suggester. Well, this is not about him though, its about his death. I sat dumbfounded for almost 30mins as I could not come to terms with the fact that I won't see him any more. It crossed my mind that Babu would also never see him, he last saw him sometime probably during last Pujas in case he had gone to get some medicine from that shop. But I saw him even last week, I even asked back Rs.5 which by mistake his son had forgotten to return me in my change. I wondered what happened that he took such a drastic step? Was it competition? But it can't be so. The competition has been in this area for quite some time now. But there was a point that this shop was the most visited one, even though the adjacent chemist shop would eagerly look out for some new customers. All of them would flock to this shop. Did history repeat itself and all customers of this shop now preferred the third shop, the competition? In that case, is it so that the chemist could not bear this pressure and commit suicide? Or am I just imagining this? I came back home using the same route and didn't even look up once at this chemist shop for once. And I just realised why so, I did not feel the need to take a special look at the closed shutters of the chemist shop I have grown up with because I have not yet internalised the fact that I would never see this chemist of my childhood ever again. Surprisingly, my mother informed me a few days back that the chemist at the first shop, whom my chemist shop had engulfed, died a few days back and my mother was very upset with that. She also possibly has seen this first shop for long and often gotten her medical supplies from that, so it was difficult for her to come to terms with the fact that she won't see her childhood chemist again, just like me. I know this is an extremely long post, but I don't regret writing this one

amar bhai babu

title tai bhul type korlam prothome, bhai er bodole likhlam bahi may be its to show that its futile to contain our relationshp within a few words but i will do it since i had pledged long back in one of my older blogs amar bhai, jokhon esechhilo shei muhurto gulo amar beshi mone nei, shudhu mone achhe didar barite i got permission after many a begging to hold him in my lap once, r sofa te boshe ma jokhon amar kole dilo kathay mora amar bhai k, it must have been the happiest moment, my first memory with my brother. i guess when ma was pregs with him, i had asked ma j i want a bro, she said pray to Ma Durga and i did that. er porer, mane or chhotto belar kotha khub ekta mone nei. but i remember j aam baganer barite kibhabe amra neem gachhtay uthe neem pata pere pichhoner tubewell theke dhuye khetam. jedin saap dekhe o mayer kuchi dhore jhule porechilo, i remember that, tokhon cable chhilo na, friday raater movies were must watch, so i came in a bit late probably even after the shout. i love one photo of mine and bhai's in front of Senguptader bari, wish i had scanner to attach that one, i find both of us looking lovely. r babur chhotbaelar pics dekhle to mone hoy o kano boro holo, i could still cuddle him otherwise. sobai bole o naki dushtu chhilo bt i dnt remember. i remember j or chhotobaelay or result er din amader tension hoto k nite jabe cz we would worry that he would nt pass this time. r amader surprise kore o protibar 9 ranks kore egiye asto. class 4 e jkhn o 15th holo, i remember jumping in the road in happiness. my happiest moment, always. dhire dhire o onek chapa holo, we were and will always be great friends but kichhu durotto aste laglo jeta natural. i remember our fights over the remote control, kichhu holei cable line khule fele dao, abar jhamela kore oita tola, dori jholano. ekbar shoshthir din aemon holo j o raag kore bari chhere chole gaelo, came back after 1 or 2 hrs, i was unrepentant. i was mean. tarpor or pithe bat bhanga, or bocha naker jonnow naki ami dayi bt i dnt remember that fight any more. r ekta incident holo ok lake e dubiye faela pray, mane oita to heights, ki j boshal bipod hoto. once we both bit each other :) over time i realised j o amar theke onek matured. r ok grand chumu dewatao ekta ritual chhilo, ofcourse he would be so scared of that :) i wish o konobar school e prothom 3 joner modhye asto, or opurno ekta ichhe. today he is my greatest confidante. amra ek sathe koto kichhute relate kori, over our families, over our lives forward. ei sedin o amay 2to bhalo bhalo jama kine dilo, shei amar chhotto bhai ta. i love you babu

confusion

hmmm jeta amar nityo diner shongi rather proti muhurter na solve korte parle matha gorom dnt knw hw to cool it achha bhalo lagata ki onnay? control kora uchit? why and how? can some one please guide me with a logic that i can relate to? i know i ask for a guidance always i am overtly dependent bt i wonder why is it so? feel dependent about that as well if someone would tell me why? ami ki halka? bt i am trying not to do that, bt yes, i am opening up bit by bit i have to stop it, D rightly said that dnt say much abt urself unless asked bt i cant help feeling happy and then blaming myself for that O God, help me, guide me, make me strong at least God dependent howata to bhul noy if this does'nt work out the whole process would start again i dont want that, when its always a risk why not start with the fIrst one, more so when you are okayish comfortable with this one, who knows these comfort levels can ever be reached again with any body else? can some one else make me feel so good about myself? can i emotionally depend on this 1?o God, till then should i hide myself or should i be myself? i know i cant be myself so soon unless its fixed, bt when its fixed, if at all, at the same time praying hope this one works out and everything falls into place, then how should i be to him and to others who inquire?

AAJ KAAJ? ................. Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

asdas

kaaj jodi chhuti hoto

onekdin pore ichhe holo blog korar log in kore dekhi amar 10ta post aeto kobe likhlam ei wonder korlam shob kota porlam last er ta pore dekhlam eitate babur kotha likhbo but porte porte aj ki jonno likhbo shetai bhule jachhilam ei mone porlo er porertay babu k niye likhbo abar aekhon mone hochhe babu k niye kichhu likhe ok ba amader relation take limit korata oshombhob jahok, aj kisui kaaj korte ichhe korchhe na shei boredom theke ei ajker topic tar kotha mone holo kalkeo eki kotha mone hoyechilo, ajo mone hochhe, j ja kaaj korchhi kaemon ekta hiseb mene, there is no direction types, aekhon aeto dhila dichhi, jani jokhon hotat kaaj ashbe ami palabar poth pabona, tokhon pagol pagol lagbe, abar depression hobe, nijer effieciency niye proshno jagbe, bt shob jeneo kichutei matha khatate ichhe korchhe na ek20, eita kaeno, Arun (amar boss) bolechhilo u r nt passionate, Arun passionate, khub e beshi matray, r besh brilliant o, amar shamna shamni ei prothom kauke dekhlam matha khatiye chomke dewar moto kaaj korchhe, not some derivation bt own effort, mane ekjon creator r ki etatei to satisfaction ashe, kichhu meaningful korar but amar sheita nei, dunno y, matha tao ottota chole na, r ichheo korena janina kano achha jodi kaaj chhutir moto hoto?ichhe moto asho jao, khub light feel koro throughout, kono touch of competition/bhoy chharai, bhoy na parar, bhoy shei colleague der jara pichhone chhuri marbe, bhoy kichhu bhul kore felar, bhoy ekta dusshoho boss er, bhoy better colleague der, mane bhoy er shesh nei, naki ami e beshi bhoy pai, merudondo nei abar shei negative kotha but shotti kaaj chhutir motot eta boshoy ekta utopian concept ami shobsomoy boli j jara bole i njoy my work tara mithye bole 99% lok e khali duto poh er jonno kaaj kore -- pet r poisha but eta bhabbar bishoy j kaeno kaaj chhutir moto hote parena tahole besh ekta fairy tale byapar hoye jabe manush darun utsaho niye kaaje ashbe, time moto fireo jabe r jodi deri kore kaaj krote hoy tahole porobortikale sheta niye grudge o thakbe na r roj bari fire list o korte parbe aj ki ki creative kaaj korlam, ajker khatay konta jurlo jeta amar effort er unique shakkhyoproman besh moja hoto tai na :)