Something with death

In the last few days I have come across death directly or indirectly, not once, not twice but thrice. Whether it really is significant or just a figment of my imagination, I rather will not dwell on that. Anyway, let me elaborate on the cases. My brother, Babu had to perform certain experiments for his project in his M.Tech course for which he needed some rats. He described them to me, small white bundles, the younger ones highly energetic, some so naughty (or should I say dangerous) that they would even bite the experimenter, most so scared when experimented upon that they would bless the experimenter's hands with their excreta. I noticed my brother develop some kind of a bond with them (or is it my imagination!), he would ensure that they are fed regularly and even kept in the sunshine for some time of the day. He even took the responsibility of opening the huge lab by himself and perform these duties on the off days and then close the lab properly. It is quite possible that these are duties performed by my brother's fellow students as well and this bond thing is an extension of my mind's idiosyncrasy. However, on completion of the experiment, he had to "SACRIFICE" them. The process was simple, give an overdose of anesthesia and the job is done. Babu's guide showed him the way, but he couldn't do it at first. The process needed to twist the neck of the rat both ways afterward so that even if one does not die of the anesthesia, this would ensure their painless death. Funny, but actually it would be painless even though pathetic and brutal. So he made some else do it. But of the 4 rats, the anesthesia wasn't adequate for one and my brother ultimately had to do it himself. He shared with me his doubts, I instructed him to give them a proper burial ( he hadn't been able to, in this case) and pray for their souls. Someone later told him that when we kill the pests at our house, do we entertain such doubts? I was thinking about this. Babu had no choice but to relieve them, but is it allowed? Or rather, do they deserve it? The question of deserving probably sways this to another ground but I couldn't help asking it as well. But this choice is a difficult one to make, more so because one knows that the choice is made, you have to "SACRIFICE" them, for their good, for the environments' good. But still one has to pacify oneself before doing it. Do we forcefully put ourselves in this dilemma? If so, why? Secondly, during my father's TMT test, I had to sign a paper which said I would be okay if anything happens to him during the duration of the test. I hesitated for a moment, forced my mind shut and signed it. Why did I sign it? Did I have any understanding of the significance of such a declaration? Or did I chose to avoid it? At that moment, I felt that Baba has to undertake the test so no point delaying it. But its very scary, so much that I can't directly write about the other consequence even in this blog, my mind shudders to even think of it. No, I can't imagine that scenario and don't want to before it is due. But that day, did I sign on my father's death warrant ( Oh I hate to even read it in my mind as I type it)? Or is it a choice I made, a correct choice? Who am I to decide on that? Just because I am the daughter doesn't give me this right. But still I decided for my father's life that day. Life puts you in such situations where you are so perplexed that you doubt yourself, whatever be your choice and its consequences (even if positive). Thirdly, today morning I got to know that my friendly (Oh but he wasn't friendly or generous but helpful) neighborhood chemist committed suicide two days back. I have been in this para for quite some time now and have seen him since childhood. In last few years I suddenly noticed his salt and pepper hair suddenly turn to a shade of pure silver, so did his mustache. He hardly spoke but if somebody needed any suggestion about any medicine he would oblige, however in very few words. But I noticed he had stopped / reduced it, on inquiring I got to know that one of his suggested medicines probably didn't have the desired effects and the consequences haven't been very nice. Thankfully, he later again turned to the good medicine suggester. Well, this is not about him though, its about his death. I sat dumbfounded for almost 30mins as I could not come to terms with the fact that I won't see him any more. It crossed my mind that Babu would also never see him, he last saw him sometime probably during last Pujas in case he had gone to get some medicine from that shop. But I saw him even last week, I even asked back Rs.5 which by mistake his son had forgotten to return me in my change. I wondered what happened that he took such a drastic step? Was it competition? But it can't be so. The competition has been in this area for quite some time now. But there was a point that this shop was the most visited one, even though the adjacent chemist shop would eagerly look out for some new customers. All of them would flock to this shop. Did history repeat itself and all customers of this shop now preferred the third shop, the competition? In that case, is it so that the chemist could not bear this pressure and commit suicide? Or am I just imagining this? I came back home using the same route and didn't even look up once at this chemist shop for once. And I just realised why so, I did not feel the need to take a special look at the closed shutters of the chemist shop I have grown up with because I have not yet internalised the fact that I would never see this chemist of my childhood ever again. Surprisingly, my mother informed me a few days back that the chemist at the first shop, whom my chemist shop had engulfed, died a few days back and my mother was very upset with that. She also possibly has seen this first shop for long and often gotten her medical supplies from that, so it was difficult for her to come to terms with the fact that she won't see her childhood chemist again, just like me. I know this is an extremely long post, but I don't regret writing this one